![]() Read below to see how and get answers to these questions: I’ll give him that proof he’s been waiting for.You can sign a document on an iPhone and iPad by downloading the DocuSign eSignature mobile app. So he turned to the Lord and said, “I’ll tell you what. And after the wedding, at which pork was served, God gave Satan fifty bucks and said, “You win.” And Satan tried to gloat, but he couldn’t enjoy the victory, because God was so visibly upset. So he told his mom that he didn’t want a Jewish ceremony but also that he didn’t really care, and that he would go through the motions if it was really short and she paid for the whole thing. Because if God existed then surely by now he would have got some horrible comeuppance. And the mad injustice of his life convinced him, unequivocally, that God did not exist. He thought about all the blessings he’d been given while other, more deserving people had suffered. And Simon said that he would have to think about it.Īnd that night, for the first time since his “Simpsons”-themed bar mitzvah, Simon wrestled deeply with the question of faith. And God scooted to the edge of His cloud, anxious to see how Simon would respond. And Simon’s mother asked him if he wanted a Jewish ceremony. And even Satan was, like, “Shouldn’t you get on that?” But God was fixated on this “Simon believing in me” thing. And by this time things in Africa were getting really bad. And God was embarrassed.īut God ignored him and warped time and space so that Simon could date this pretty shiksa. And Satan nudged God and said, “Now what?” And God let out a heavy groan and cried, “Has anyone ever been tested as much as me?” And Job shot God an annoyed look. And then there came a day when Simon fell in love with a beautiful Christian woman, with flowing blond hair and bright-blue eyes. So the Lord continued to bless the screenwriter with health and wealth and unfair tax breaks, which Simon claimed to be against politically but secretly voted for in every election. ![]() “And, sooner or later, he will become a believer.” “I will give Simon even more blessings,” He vowed. And although the Lord was angered, He was not yet prepared to admit defeat. And Satan would read these jokes out loud to God, in a funny voice. But, instead of praising God for this miracle, Simon took everything for granted, and even began to write some jokes that made fun of God. So God said, “Fine,” and let Simon do that as his full-time job. All he liked to do was sit around in his underwear, making up jokes and then laughing at them. Now, Simon had graduated from an expensive college, but he had almost no skills. And he would say things like, “What’s up now?,” or, even more aggressively, “ ’Sup now?” And by the twenty-first century God’s self-esteem was at an all-time low. And he would point to the bar-mitzvah parties and the empty synagogues and the latest Bill Maher YouTube clip. So Satan, who loved to gloat, started hanging around God’s cloud all the time. And if there were older teen-agers present at these bar mitzvahs they would steal drinks from the grownups and get wasted to a degree that was really crazy-like, a “we’re going to the hospital” situation. ![]() And parents would hire professional dancers to come and teach the children dances, many of which were sexually suggestive. Sometimes, the bar mitzvahs would even have a theme, like “Broadway” or “New York Sports Teams.” If the theme was “Broadway,” for example, the tables would be labelled “The Lion King” or “Mamma Mia!,” and would have decorations on them that had to do with those shows. They still had bar mitzvahs, but these were mainly just excuses to throw parties. They ceased making burnt offerings to God. ![]() In the course of the next four thousand years, the Hebrews became less religious. And behold: the righteous Hebrew still praised God. And God would often boast about this man, who worshipped Him with all his heart.īut Satan said unto the Lord, “Job praises you only because his life is blessed.” So God made a wager with Satan: “Destroy all that Job has, and you will see that he still believes.” So Satan rained horror upon Job, killing his livestock and marring his flesh with boils. And no one had more faith in God than he did. Now, there was a righteous Hebrew in the land of Uz named Job.
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